hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
