It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
