don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize