So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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