me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
