am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize