I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
