I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
