You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize