If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
