You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
