Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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