I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
