dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize