can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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