we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
