Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
