I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
