I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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