I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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