my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
