It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
