I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
