The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
