I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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