May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
