It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
