So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My dick has a subreddit
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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