just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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