You just made me feel so damn special
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
