I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize