I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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