Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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