went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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