Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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