I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
