I wish my penis had an off switch
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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