hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize