everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
