I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
