i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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