i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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