is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
