Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
