She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Randomize
