Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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