As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
