I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize