Please, let me fuck your mom
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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