If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
