I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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