My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
