Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
