i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
