walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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