The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
