Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize