I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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