I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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