The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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