I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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