Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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