My brain says no but my pants say off.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize