y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
