I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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