you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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