You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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