remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize