We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
