I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
