I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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