I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
tell me about the fingering
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