I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
