I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
